At some point, you've got to man up and jump.  You've got to quit being scared of the "maybes" and "what-ifs" and just freaking jump.  Quit cheating yourself out of the best thing that could ever happen to you.  Quit cheating him out of what he's wanted for so long, and just fall.  Fall hard, fall long, and fall forever.

an email was sent. can't think straight. meet or not to meet. feeling is there, so heartbreaking. but it might be good for closure or not. it might be bad, i might fall hard again. i hate making this decision.

someday, i'll definitely meet a man like that. doesn't matter if i can keep him forever.

"And ultimately, he's going to find out.  how you chew, how you sip, how you dance, how you smell at every point in the day.  The fact that most of your friends are shallow.  That you hate sitting in an aisle seat. How you don't really like chocolate, how you get hyper when you travel, how certain games or show make you really happy.  How cranky you get when you're tired, how you think you look bad in all of your pictures.  He's going to know everything about you.  And you know what?  He's still going to love you."

or in tagalog, itaga mo ito sa bato.

if E and I do somehow end up together, i will not, WILL not, absolutely f**king will not:

1. include the pig and her little piglet in the entourage. i do not care if they cry, beg, or blackmail me. we are not going to make dresses that look like suman just to please their egos.

2. invite the pig and her piglet to the wedding at all, though this may be harder to accomplish since the pig is E's blood relative.

3. have them spend alone time with the kids if E and i have kids. in fact, they will not be invited to baptismals, or birthdays, or any sort of occasion. and on the occasion that we do get together, i will not have the kids within 5 meters of that pig and her offspring.

i'm so upset i want to punch something out. i'm literally shaking with anger, and i haven't seen their snouts in 5 hours.

i should make it part of a pre nup. yes. that's what i'll do.

 a lot of things happened to me when you left. it's been so long since we saw each other, i still think about you every now and then, thinking of the what ifs and why it didn't happened. i still cry right now until i fall asleep, this night is no different. it was so dumb of me to ever thought that it would lead to something beautiful, i still remember the things you said to me when we were still together. like what people used to say to us, that we look so good together, and me, making assumptions that there will be a possible next time for both of us. that you will be willing to take those chances and get to know me better and chances to show me who you are. i never realize how hurt i was until this moment, this night,  i still think about you and us back then. that i am still longing for the hugs you gave me especially when we're lying next to each other and you wrapped your arms around me while me, snuggling and feeling that i am safe and nothing bad is ever going to happen. i still remember the time, you were singing the song to me, the beatles song,  even if it's out of tune and you were so nervous singing it made me feel so good. i didn't know what you were thinking now or from the last letters you sent to me, do you really mean it? or is it just a consolation for me or maybe just a line you said because you feel bad? i wish you never done those things you did, because it just made me miss you more. i wish you just said it before we separate that this is the end so that i won't hope for anything like i did when you left. i still can't get over you. i want to get over you. i don't want anymore tears. i am hurt, so bad. i thought since i had a lot heartaches and heartbreaks before, it will be easy for me to let it go. but everyday, i feel a truck has run over my heart. everyday my heart is beaten by someone. i guess i love you. maybe that's why. but if i love you why is it i'm hurt every time.

first week at work is over.

highs

1. the very first thing they handed me on Monday was a brand new, HP probook 4410s laptop. mine all mine.

2. i'm spending more time with E. i initially thought working together was gonna be hard, but since we're with different departments, we spend work time apart but i know i can send him IMs anytime i want to.

3. the office is small, we have less than 80 employees (or around that number) and it's easier to get to know everyone.

4. our pantry is huge. we have a flat screen tv, a WII, and a pc with games. we also have a rice cooker, a coffee maker, a huge ref, and actual utensils and plates and bowls.

lows

1. the usual political stuff people have in offices. =)